Folks, I have a proposal.
And before you immediately dismiss it as ridiculous, I want you to really think about what I'm about to say.
Should we start considering Donald Trump taking a shit a red-folder economic event?
And I gotta be honest with you.
I think we should.
Hear me out.
We already have an economic calendar telling us when CPI is coming out. When the Fed is speaking. When the unemployment numbers drop.
We prepare for these events because we know they have the potential to send the markets absolutely flying.
But what about Donnie?
What about the man whose social media posts can turn a perfectly respectable trading day into a financial crime scene?
Where's THAT notification?
Think about yourself for a second.
When do you do your most scrolling?
When do your craziest ideas come to you?
Obviously, the shower is a strong contender.
But there's another place where some of humanity's greatest, and worst, ideas have been born.
The toilet.
You sit down. You pull out your phone. You start scrolling.
Next thing you know, you've been sitting there for 25 minutes, your legs are numb, and you've somehow convinced yourself you should start a podcast, buy a jet ski, and invest in a company that manufactures robot dogs.
It happens to the best of us.
Now imagine you're Donald Trump.
Imagine you have a phone, a Truth Social account, and the ability to move global financial markets with a few sentences.
That's a dangerous combination.
I'm not claiming to know where the president writes his social media posts.
But for the purposes of this extremely important investigation, I would like everyone to imagine the possibility that some of the most consequential market-moving announcements in the world are being conceived while the commander in chief is dropping a deuce.
And frankly, I think traders deserve protection.
Let's talk about tariffs.
Remember trading during the tariff chaos?
One minute the market's collapsing.
The next minute there's a new announcement, a policy adjustment, or a potential deal, and the S&P 500 is ripping in the opposite direction.
On April 9, 2025, Trump's announcement of a 90-day pause on many tariffs helped spark a historic stock market rally.
The S&P 500 finished the day up approximately 9.5%.
Nine. Point. Five. Percent.
In one day.
And we're supposed to just sit here pretending that unexpected presidential announcements aren't their own category of economic risk?
Absolutely not.
I propose we add a new event to the economic calendar.
PRESIDENTIAL BOWEL MOVEMENT
Impact: HIGH
Folder color: RED
Expected volatility: EXTREME
Forecast: Unknown
Previous: Classified
That way, when Donnie heads toward the bathroom, traders at least have a fighting chance.
Here's how I envision this working.
Whenever the president announces that he's headed to the restroom, a designated cabinet official immediately contacts the appropriate financial news services.
Bloomberg.
Reuters.
Forex Factory.
Everybody.
Within seconds, a notification goes out to traders across the country.
BREAKING: PRESIDENT TRUMP HAS ENTERED THE BATHROOM. POTENTIAL TRUTH SOCIAL ACTIVITY IMMINENT.
Now we're talking.
That's actionable information.
Maybe he just wants to watch golf highlights.
Maybe he's checking sports scores.
Or maybe he's about to announce a new tariff, threaten a trade war, or post something about Iran that sends oil futures into another dimension.
We don't know.
And that's precisely the problem.
This is why we need the alert.
Now here's where I think this proposal becomes especially important.
Prop firms.
A lot of futures prop firms have restrictions around high-impact economic news.
You can't open positions during certain announcements.
Some firms require you to close trades before the release.
And if you violate the rules, you could lose your account.
Fair enough.
But what happens when you've done everything right?
You checked the calendar.
You avoided CPI.
You stayed flat through NFP.
You waited until after the Fed announcement.
Then, at 11:17 in the morning, Donnie fires off a Truth Social post and your Nasdaq position gets launched directly into the shadow realm.
Where was the warning?
I think every prop firm should be required to integrate the new presidential bathroom alert system.
Imagine you're trading NQ and suddenly a giant red notification appears across your platform:
WARNING: DONNIE HAS ENTERED THE CRAPPER. PLEASE EXIT ALL POSITIONS IMMEDIATELY.
Trading temporarily suspended.
No new positions permitted.
Existing positions must be closed.
And don't worry.
We won't leave traders guessing when it's safe to return.
The White House will issue a second notification.
UPDATE: PRESIDENT HAS BEGUN WIPING. MARKET REENTRY MAY RESUME SHORTLY.
Perfect.
Simple.
Professional.
Exactly the kind of risk management infrastructure this industry has been missing.
And let's not forget geopolitical risk.
Imagine you're sitting there trading crude oil.
Everything looks relatively normal.
You're managing your position, watching your levels, minding your own business.
Meanwhile, in our entirely fictional scenario, Donnie is sitting on the porcelain throne, contemplating his next Truth Social post.
Maybe he's thinking about tariffs.
Maybe he's thinking about negotiations.
Maybe he's thinking about Iran.
Next thing you know, he's threatening to nuke Iran while simultaneously nuking everybody's nostrils within a 500-mile radius.
Now oil is moving.
Gold is moving.
The dollar is moving.
Your stop loss is getting absolutely obliterated.
And somewhere in Washington, a Secret Service agent is just trying to find another roll of toilet paper.
This is unacceptable.
Not the toilet paper situation.
The lack of advance notice.
I don't care whether you're a Republican, Democrat, independent, libertarian, or somebody who thinks the entire political system is a circus.
This isn't about politics.
This is about protecting innocent traders from getting absolutely steamrolled by unexpected social media announcements.
We have circuit breakers.
We have volatility halts.
We have economic calendars.
We have sophisticated risk management software.
And yet we have absolutely no system for determining whether the president is currently sitting on the toilet with his phone.
In 2026.
Unbelievable.
I'm calling on the White House, financial news providers, economic calendar developers, and every futures prop firm in America to come together and solve this crisis.
Effective immediately, presidential bathroom visits should be classified as high-impact economic events.
A red-folder notification should be issued upon entry.
Trading restrictions should remain active for the duration of the visit.
And normal market operations should resume once the president has completed his business.
Will this eliminate unexpected volatility?
Probably not.
Will it prevent every trader from blowing an account?
Absolutely not.
Do I have any evidence that Donald Trump actually makes major policy announcements while taking a shit?
Not a shred.
But I do know one thing.
If we're going to let a single social media post send the Nasdaq into a 200-point panic attack, the least we can do is give traders a heads-up when the man might be getting comfortable.
Because in today's market, the difference between a profitable trading day and a blown account might just be one presidential bowel movement.
Sources and documents
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